Every year, as the stores fill with lights and the radio turns to holiday music, I hear some version of the same sentence from people who have lost a husband or wife: "I just want to skip to January."
If that's you this year, you're not being dramatic, and you're not grieving wrong. Whether your spouse died or your marriage ended in divorce, the holidays have a way of turning up the volume on everything you have lost. I want to offer you a few gentle ways through the season. Not a plan to make it merry. Just a way to get through it with a little more kindness toward yourself.
Why does grief feel heavier during the holidays?
Grief feels heavier during the holidays because the whole season is built around togetherness, rituals, and memory, so your spouse's absence shows up everywhere. The empty chair at the table, the ornament they always hung, the gift you no longer need to buy: each one is a small, fresh reminder.
On top of that, the world is asking you to be cheerful. That gap between how you feel and how you are "supposed" to feel can be exhausting. Many people tell me the weeks leading up to a holiday are harder than the day itself.
What if this is my first holiday season without my spouse?
The first holiday season after losing a spouse is often the hardest, because every tradition is happening for the first time without them. Go into it expecting it to be hard, and measure success by getting through, not by how it looks.
- After a death, you may be a new widow or widower still in the fog of the first year: paperwork, thank-you notes, and a house that is far too quiet.
- After a divorce, the loss can be just as real but less recognized. You may be alone on a morning that used to be full, or facing family gatherings where you are no longer included.
- Either way, decide ahead of time where you will be on the hardest days, who you will be with, and how you will leave if you need to.
How do I handle family expectations?
Tell the people closest to you, simply and in advance, what you can and cannot do this year. Most family members want to help; they just don't know how, and they may be grieving too.
- Say yes to one or two gatherings rather than all of them.
- Drive yourself or arrange your own ride, so you can leave when you need to.
- Let someone else host, cook, or shop this year.
- Tell people whether you want to talk about your spouse. Many grieving people long to hear their loved one's name said out loud.
It's okay to disappoint people a little this year. Protecting your energy is not selfishness; it is part of grieving well.
Should I keep our traditions or change them?
You can keep a tradition, change it, or set it aside for a season, and any of those choices is okay. There is no right answer, only what you can carry this year.
Some people find comfort in doing things exactly as before. Others find that the old rituals hurt too much and need a new shape: a different place for dinner, a walk instead of a party, a service project in place of a gift exchange. Many people choose one meaningful way to honor their spouse, like lighting a candle, making their favorite recipe, or sharing a story at the table. You can always decide differently next year.
Is it okay to feel joy while I'm grieving?
Yes. Feeling joy, laughter, or even relief during the holidays does not mean you loved your spouse less or that you are "over it." Joy and sorrow can sit in the same heart on the same afternoon.
I often see people feel guilty the first time they laugh after a loss. Please give yourself permission for both. A grandchild's excitement, a good meal, a moment of peace: those are gifts, not betrayals. And on the days when no joy comes at all, that is allowed too.
Where does faith fit in a season like this?
For some people, faith is a deep comfort during a grieving holiday; for others, it raises hard questions, and both experiences are welcome in my office. If the season's story of hope speaks to you right now, lean into it. If church feels too painful this year, or you are angry at God, that is a conversation worth having, not something to hide.
As a Christian counselor, I am glad to bring prayer and Scripture into our time together when you want that. You can learn more about Christian counseling in Raleigh. And if you would rather leave faith out entirely, we simply don't bring it in. People of all backgrounds are welcome.
When should I reach out for support?
You don't need to wait for a crisis to talk to someone; dreading the season is reason enough. I especially encourage you to reach out if:
- you feel stuck, numb, or unable to function months after the loss
- you are pulling away from everyone, or spending the holidays completely alone
- sleep, appetite, or your health is slipping (my nursing background makes me pay close attention to this)
- you are leaning more on alcohol or other ways to numb the pain
If grief has you thinking about not wanting to be here, please don't wait for an appointment: call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, any hour of the day or night, including holidays. If you are in immediate danger, or you left a marriage where you felt unsafe, call 911 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233, free, confidential, and available 24/7.
My grief counseling in Raleigh begins with a free 10-minute phone consultation at 919-306-0207. I see clients in person at our North Raleigh office and by secure telehealth anywhere in North Carolina, which some people find gentler during a busy, heavy season. You can read about fees on our fees and insurance page, learn more about my background as a counselor and nurse, or contact Family Life Resources when you're ready.
However you spend this season, I hope you will be gentle with yourself. You loved someone, and you are still carrying that love. That is not something to rush.
Frequently asked questions about grief and the holidays
This article is for education and encouragement; it isn't a substitute for professional care.